Thoughts on the death of Tom Brown Jr.

When I was a child, there was magic in the world. I remember playing quietly with some paper dolls that I had cut out of a magazine when I was home sick, and becoming so engrossed with playing that they came alive and moved and talked. I remember playing by the creek, and being brought to my knees in awe by the richness of the layers of life surrounding me, that sense of complete rightness in the green woodlands, with the sunlight filtering through. I also remember reading a book about opening a door into the trunk of a great tree, and entering the tree, and there were people living there, in a harmonious artistic way, and I entered this world, it was reality. I didn’t think anything of these experiences, they were the way life was for me as a child. I remember wanting to find the tree book again, because I wanted to go back to visit the people that lived there. As I got older and learned some tough lessons about being popular, and successful in the ‘real’ world, the magic of this life faded away, and life was a little more anxious, sad and lonely. I grew up and wanted to study how life really works in college, but realized that there were many dimensions of life that were unknown, ignored or denigrated, and I resigned myself to mastering the realm of science, and logic, and became a computer programmer. For several years I loved learning about the power and possibilities of technology. I really got why kids are so enamored with video games, because getting engrossed in these worlds brings back that sense of magic, teamwork, and learning to engage with intrigue and mastery, which is illusive in the material normal world these days.

At the age of 33, the mother of two young children, I had a shattering spiritual experience that catapulted me into the depths of hell, and released me into an expansive enlightenment experience so profound I was unmoored from my life and relationships. I knew I needed a teacher, I needed someone to help me with the experiences and visions I was having and wouldn’t label me psychotic, and in need of medication and hospitalization. I reached out to friends and family and there was no understanding. I reached out to Christian and Buddhists, and there was judgment and skepticism. Then one day I was in a bookstore, and I found the book “Awakening Spirits”. When I picked it up I got that electric buzz, with the knowing “this is important, this is what you are looking for”. I cried when I read this, knowing that I had found the community and teacher that I was longing for. I wrote a letter to Tom Brown Jr. telling him of my despair, my confusion over my visions, my fear of being alone in a world of materialism that only saw insanity in my insights, and asking to hear me and help me. He wrote back a compassionate letter, and he told me what I have heard repeated many times in his teachings that he would not interpret dreams or visions for others, but if I came to his school, he would teach me how to interpret them, and live their wisdom myself. I finally made it to the Standard Class, and this class was life-changing. So many things in this class had me in tears, such as the feast where the ‘older’ women were honored to be the first to receive food, and the awareness lessons, fox-walking and wide angle vision, opening me up to a different relationship with the world around me. The Standard Class is a week-long transformation taking a person entrenched in left-brain materialist thinking with the disconnected ‘every person for themselves’ mentality to glimpsing a different way of being, nature connection where humans can be caretakers, a blessing to the world. I went on to take many more classes at the Tracker school. The relationships and experiences within this community hint at a very different way humanity could be living, and this vision was given to Tom by his mentor, an Apache man he calls Grandfather. Grandfather taught Tom by not directly teaching him, but by asking him questions, and modeling a life of profound connection and wisdom that is a human’s birthright, and an expectation that every child is born with. The ability to reawaken this way of living, relating and knowing, was Tom Brown’s profound skill, and he dedicated his life to planting these seeds, and awakening hope that there is a future possible on the Earth that has depth, joy, connection, and a purpose of belonging and serving the community of not just humans, but the plants, animals and elements that make up our living planet. What was slowly revealed to me in the years of taking tracker classes was that there is definitely magic in the world, and that there are people, like Tom Brown Jr. that are master magicians. There is magic just reading his books, that filter out people to get the call, that this is what they are longing for, or discard the book as fantasy rubbish. Most people have different parts of themselves warring with each other inside. There is the ancient child of the Earth that responds to Tom’s invitation, and there is the cynical hard nosed pragmatist who reads Tom’s books, or goes to the Standard, and turns away from the possibilities offered there. I don’t know what influences these two choices, but possibly because they were very young when their own expectations about the magic of life were crushed for them and they learned to thrive in the ‘normal’ world by giving up these longings, and finding solace in being ‘right’ and in control.

I believe our world is dominated by bullies, people who crave power over others, and greed. This seems to be the way of the world, and people learn to be bullies, or toadies, or victims. People caught up in this cannot conceive that there are vastly different ways humans can be in relationship. This is what Tom both taught and modeled. I never saw Tom belittle or shame a student, though I have seen him deeply disappointed in students. He was so hard on himself at these times, saying that he had failed as a teacher. As a result we obviously had to live up to and correct whatever dumb-shit stuff we did. He assured everyone that just by showing up, they had what it takes, and they belonged. He had a way of bolstering confidence, and humorously deflating egos.

There wasn’t anybody else like him. He was a force of nature, and I feel so blessed to have been able to study with him. I am feeling bereft and rudderless right now, that he is gone. I know there is still magic in the world, but the bright shining light that was Tom Brown Jr. is now gone. I do understand that this is also part of his teaching, that he has given us the skills to carry out this work of finding the one unlikely future where humanity is in harmony with the Earth, and each other. I also know that the magic is inside all of us, and Tom showed us with his love and his passion how to live an uncompromising life.

Now it is time for the hard work of living up to the debt of receiving these teachings. Those of us who were Tom’s students cannot put this Vision on the shelf, and use all of the excuses we use to not get involved, such as self-doubt, and distractions in life. For me I know I can’t lean on Tom’s passion and vision, but must trust my own love, passion and belief, my own medicine, and live the rest of my life being true to the vision however that works out. I also know that in our community and relationships we can be stronger, this was never a vision of the lone wolf, and now is the time to reach out and heal and support each other, as Tom always asked us to do. For those who didn’t know Tom maybe this helps you understand why I had this obsession with Tracker, and I would love it if you would take some time to listen to some of my tracker stories.